Better as a Memory
by Xaphrin
Summary: New Moon After Edward leaves Bella, he hears a song that makes him question his decision.


The rain pounded on the windshield, buckets upon buckets. Edward knew he was going way too fast, even for him. The road swerved around trees, soaked and slick with oil; dangerous. Part of him wanted to crash, just to feel _something_. Even if it was pain, that was fine with him. That was what he needed, because right now he was numb. Cold and empty and numb. It was as if his heart had been ripped from his chest, and he was forced to continue to live. He wanted to feel himself sliding off the road and wrapping around a tree until his Volvo twisted and shattered into a mangled mess of metal.

Just like his heart.

"I need to calm down… it's better like this…" He looked in his rearview mirror, wondering if he should turn around; wondering if leaving her was the best thing for both of them. He knew she would be balled up, sobbing until her heart drowned in a river of tears. He wanted to hold her, comfort her and tell her everything was fine. He wanted to rock her gently, kiss her sweetly until she smiled up at him with that goofy grin she always held. His stomach lurched uncomfortably as he thought of her face when he told her they were leaving.

She looked blank.

Empty.

Void.

There looked as though there was nothing left but a shell of what once had been his girlfriend; his soul mate. Edward raked his hands though his hair feeling strands being yanked out with impossible force. Pain hit him and he was suddenly glad for something. He took a deep breath, a habit for trying to calm his body.

"It's better this way… It has to be. She can be happy… normal… _human_." Edward would have given anything to be human again. To love her the same way she deserved to be loved; hold her in his arms without fear of breaking her like a china doll. But there was no way of changing what couldn't be changed. She deserved the best, not him. Not a vampire with a broken soul.

The radio fizzled into existence, startling him. He'd forgotten that he left it on.

_I move on like a sinners prayer  
_

_And letting go like a levee breaks  
_

_Walk away as if I don't care  
_

_Learn to shoulder my mistakes  
_

_Or built to fade like your favorite song  
_

_Get reckless when there's no need  
_

_Laugh as your stories ramble on  
_

_Break my heart, but it won't bleed  
_

_My only friends are pirates  
_

_That's just who I am  
_

_But I'm better as a memory than as your man  
_

The song punched at his stomach, and Edward was helpless to stop the tears. He saw images flashing around the corner of his vision. The time he let her see him in the meadow. The first time they kissed, and how warm she felt. How his heart suddenly burst to life within his chest. The way she smelled in the rain. The way her bottom lip quivered when she was furious with him. All the memories he wanted to push away seemed to fly at him again, and nothing fit properly. It was like he was a piece to a puzzle that didn't exist anymore.

_Never sure when the truth won't bend  
_

_And pretty good on a lonely night  
_

_Or move on the way a storm blows through  
_

_And never stay, but then again, I might.  
_

_I struggle sometimes to find the words  
_

_Always sure until I doubt  
_

_Walk a line until it blurs  
_

_Build walls too high to climb out  
_

_But I'm honest to a fault  
_

_That's just who I am  
_

_I'm better as a memory than as your man  
_  
Edward skidded to a dead stop and whipped the car around, heading in a direction he should have left to memories. He couldn't do it. He couldn't let her go. Not now. Not ever.

_I see you leaning, you're bound to fall  
_

_I don't want to be that mistake  
_

_I'm just a dreamer and nothing more  
_

_You should know it before it gets too late  
_  
His pocket vibrated. Alice. It had to be. Who else would have seen the complete torment in him? He wanted to ignore it, but his fingers betrayed him, and he was forced to open the phone. Her voice was clear and sweet; nothing seemed to faze her.

"Don't."

That was it. Nothing else.

_Don't_

It would be a disservice to her. She needed to mend the break and going to comfort her wasn't going to help anything. It would make it a hundred times worse when he had to leave her again, and he knew that someday he would. Someday they would have to say goodbye forever.

_Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel  
_

_You never know where they're gonna land  
_

_First you're spinning, then you're standing still  
_

_Left holding a losing hand  
_

The tears filled his heard until in exploded. He skidded to another stop and let his head rest against the steering wheel. For the first time in nearly a century, he cried. He cried until every bone in his body felt as though it would shatter under the weight. Everything he ever feared rose into his chest and came out as rain. He couldn't ever see her again. He knew that. He knew the truth.

_But one day you're gonna find someone  
_

_And right away you'll know it's true  
_

_That all of your sinking's done  
_

_It was just a part of the passing through  
_

_Right there in that moment you'll finally understand  
_

_That I was better as a memory than as your man  
_

_Better as a memory than as your man_

Edward turned put the car in drive and turned around, never daring to go about fifty five miles an hour.

AN: I hope you enjoyed it. The song is called _Better as a Memory_ by Kenny Chesney. I thought it was a great song, and I thought of _New Moon_ when I heard it on the radio. So, here you go. My interpretation of Edward's fragile heart after he had to leave her. I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to leave a review if you have the time. I enjoy your comments and concerns.


End file.
